Changing the Conversation around Mental Health

The Loss of Self and the Male Suicide and Mental Health Epidemic

It’s been 11 years, about time I started talked about it. And actually talking about it, not just in passing or hushed tones or behind closed doors. It’s time to rip down the walls and say it. We have a suicide epidemic, especially for men, and it’s time someone say something about it. And that someone is me.

This may be the only time I use my legal degree in any intelligent way. But homicide is defined as the killing of one human being by another. Homicide is often used as a filler word for murder. That someone killed someone else. The etymology of the word homicide comesfrom the Latin homicidium using homo “man” and Cidium “actof killing.” End of the day, whether the legal definition or breaking it down to its core pieces homicide is the act of killing another human (or man).

Suicide uses a similar structure. The etymology is the Latin suicidium which uses sui “self”and the same cidium. Now we use suicide to mean that someone ended theirown life by their own hand. But while the media has us talking about anothershooting or murder or senseless act of violence. We ignore the senseless act of violence we deal out to ourselves everyday.

For men under the age of 45, suicide is the second leading cause of death. And since 2000, the total number male suicides has risen 40% while the women’s rate has remained relatively even. The male suicide rate is over 4 times higher than it is for women. 1 in 8 men struggle with some sort of mental illness; anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, etc….. yet only a third of those in therapy or working with a mental health professional are men. Most guys just go about life bottling their emotions and feelings unaware how to express themselves. Or worse yet, they go through life and loss their identity of self. Then they spiral down into a depression and think they only way out is through ending their own life.

While suicide is the killing of oneself we need to see that suicide is what happens we have loss ourselves. Suicide is what happens when our soul’s light dims and we are left with just our body. Our soul doesn’t have a home. We have lost the love and joy for ourselves. Then we kill ourselves, leaving nothing. Homicide is what happens when a person kills another, but suicide is when we kill ourselves, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Leaving nothing.

Silent Struggle

In full disclosure I have never been suicidal. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was in college. At times I have felt lost as an induvial with no identity. I searched for connection and found things that didn’t fit and only made my issues more dramatic. I spent years trying to find myself. I have been to therapy, I have worked with coaches, done meditations and visualizations. I started working on myself. But throughout it all I had people who wanted to see me shine at the end of the day. They gave me space to no longer struggle in silence. But this post isn’t about me. It’s about our society.

Men struggle in silence. Men struggle for connection and meaning. We struggle to express how we are feeling and what we need. We loss ourselves chasing titles, accolades, and achievement. I’ve talked about this before. I spent years focusing on external praise because I had no love for myself on the inside. When people asked me if I was ok, I defaulted to saying it was “fine” or “ok” or “just doing my thing.” What I really wanted to say was “I feel like I’m drowning. I feel alone. I don’t feel connected to my friends. I see myself going through the motions and putting on a smile just to fit in. I just want to sit in my shower and cry.”

But I didn’t because times when I tried to express my feelings previously, I was shot down and told that I needed to man up or that it was all in my head. I felt abandoned and looking back those friends that I had telling me that didn’t truly care for me. But I looked around and everyone else seemed to have things figured out so maybe what I was going through was just a me thing. The thing is though, it is not just a me thing.

How many of us know someone who is going through some silent battle that they don’t know how to talk about. And because we struggle silently, we stop loving ourselves. We start to shrink and become small. We drift to the back and lose the spark of our soul. We think we are the only ones who are dealing with it and therefore it’s not that big of a deal.

So while we have to provide more spaces to talk through and discuss these feelings and emotions we also need to provide the space for us to learn to love ourselves and not beat ourselves up for having a not so good day. We need to look ourselves in the mirror and love ourselves and find ourselves beyond the catchphrases that society has told us to be.

Self Love

So what’s the answer to this whole thing. Yes society has to do more. But we also need to do more. And it starts with how we show up for ourselves, as men. We got to not be afraid to do the things that we love because they show a side of us beyond the titles, accolades, and achievements. We need to stop comparing what others are going through with something we have gone through. Struggle and trauma isn’t a competition. If someone says they are drowning it doesn’t matter if its 2inches or the Pacific Ocean.

If we show love for ourselves. If we can find the spark in life again we give others permission to do the same. We show that yes, you can do hard things and make it through difficult things. But that doesn’t come from just going to therapy or working with a coach. It takes work to find yourself. To dig through the cobwebs of our own souls to find that spark at the center. The spark at the center of our soul is who we are always meant to be. Find it. Cherish it. Chase it.

The more we give back to ourselves and start loving ourselves again the better we do as society. For a lot of people, for a lot of men, we are told what to be. We are shaped by our careers, sports, and education. We are told that we must do X to be a member of Y group. We shape and remodel ourselves time and time again so that we fit in. But the more we fit in the more we lose that spark inside ourselves. We become a mold. We become focused on the externals and lose the love for our inner self and soul, losing ourselves in the process. Part of this whole journey and process is being able to find yourself again after everything you have been through and forgiving everything that happened to love yourself again.

However, the more we fit and change ourselves the less we stay who we are at our soul. Our soul is supposed to shine and share the light of our heart onto the world. We are all made in the image and likeness of God. We are meant to shine. But when we fit into places, are told how to act (be tough, stoic), and turn away from our own light, we stop loving ourselves. We instead love ourselves for how the accolades, titles, and achievements associated with the external feel. Not the love for ourselves for doing it in the first place.

We have forgotten how to love ourselves. We have forgotten how to chase the spark from our soul for the things that really matter. When it’s all said and done, we the scorecard is counted, we’ll remember each other for how we made others feel. The accolades, titles, and achievements will mean nothing if we can’t love ourselves and will that love to others.

So it’s time to start loving ourselves. To finding ourselves and that spark we all had as a child. To create space for others to feel that way again. To feel alive, to find creativity and joy. Because when we start to do that in all aspects of our lives, everyone in our lives get better. Stop chasing the achievement, or title, or accolade. And start chasing that burning little spark in your soul of who you were always meant to be.

When we chase the spark, we our chasing what we want. We are self guided and then our self never dies.

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