Loneliness - Finding Connection

Loneliness - The Absence of Connection

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I don’t think I ever truly understood what it meant to be lonely. I don’t think its definition properly articulates what it is; “affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome” is a pretty empty definition. You learn about this feeling in school or you see a picture of someone being alone and you think they are lonely. We get so caught up in the idea that loneliness happens when you are alone. But I think that is false. I’ve been surrounded by people and felt helplessly alone. I felt like drowning. I felt unseen. I felt like a ghost. 

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But I’ve also experienced the opposite. I have been alone in a coffee shop or in a Zoom room full of strangers and have felt immense support and love and appreciation that I never felt in a room of friends or family. 

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I think we have defined what it means to be lonely and loneliness wrong. I think in our society’s search for connection and belonging we got lost and confused being around people as genuine connection. We confuse being around people as being not lonely. That if we were with people we would not be alone. And being alone is bad. So we fled from it and ran from the feeling. Unsure and scared about what would actually happen if we sat alone with ourselves and our thoughts. 

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So we never really got to know ourselves. We spent time chasing friendships and avoiding what it meant to be friends with us. We tried to fit in as much as we could. We wanted to avoid the bullying and ridicule. We got protective about ourselves and refused to fully show up. So we just went with the flow, spending time and energy around people that really weren’t focused on our best interests. 

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I did this for years. I went out with friends during law school, not for connection - although that’s what I told myself, but to not be alone by myself. But then conversations would be unfulfilling and empty and leave me wanting more. I drank to hide my pain and lostness of life and uncertainty about what I really wanted to do. I refused to open myself up and fully figure out what I wanted out of life. I spent hours going out and drinking and “living in the moment” knowing full well that what I was doing was not aligned with what my soul wanted. It eventually got to the point where I was surrounded by people and felt like I was surrounded by no one. It felt like no one cared for me. It felt like no one would miss me if I wasn’t there. It felt empty. It was loneliness. 

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It wasn’t the definition I knew. I was around people, so I thought that I couldn’t be alone. I wasn’t connected. I felt lonesome. I became a ghost. Then I became scared. I struggled to find and raise my voice to express how I felt. I faded into my surroundings. 

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What I wish I knew in that moment and what I think is such a powerful thing to think about when it comes to loneliness is that that feeling exists when we feel uncomfortable with being able to express ourselves and be fully vulnerable. My biggest moments of vulnerability correlated to my biggest moments of connectedness. In moments where I could fully express myself were the times when I felt the most connected to the group I was around. I was lonely in bars and at parties and empty conversations because I felt scared to be vulnerable. I was fearful of fully showing up. But I realized that when I fully show up, when I fully express myself I rise above the loneliness. THe loneliness fades whether that be me at home with no one around or on a stage surrounded by many. 

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Loneliness is not the lack of people around you, it’s the lack of feeling vulnerable and comfortable around them. Loneliness has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of people you surrounded by.  

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